The Second Turn

Star Trauth-Artist

While I’ve contemplated and reflected upon death hundreds of times, I’ve never much thought about being dead. It only comes rushing in when I’m having a near death experience and I know it or upon reflection later when I make the realization it almost happened. When I use the phrase, “near death,” I have certain criteria. Considering how many people die doing the most mundane of things, that’s not what I’m thinking. I am thinking dramatic HOW AM I NOT DEAD moments. Any one of these moments could end in my death, but don’t. I’m not lucky, I don’t win door prizes, I don’t win at cards, I would never bet on anything because I’m just not that type of person. I play games for fun and have never played sports. But I am lucky when it comes to not dying. I think it’s God. I am not here to sell you on God, he doesn’t need me to pitch for him. For many reasons I do not believe I am IT. After many decades I have seen too many unexplained or devastatingly beautiful things that have no explanation. I’m OK with not having an explanation for everything. For this, the present result as I am alive and I probably shouldn’t be and for that I’m grateful.

It does press down on me, how much can a person bear. What type of illness or abuse can you come back from. How much can I take? Can you take? Can the Earth take? Can any given thing take?

I wrote this before cancer so I find myself saying it again. When the unexpected third degree burns started to bloom, and I was mostly alone, when I was surrounded by death, and hoping it wouldn’t come for me, things got dark.

“In the end you are alone.”


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